Story #6 In the No
An Alienating Parent makes demands on the target parent that are contrary to court orders. Allows the child to make choices about parental visits with the target parent contra to existing court orders causing the child to resent the target parent when the change request cannot or should not happen.
Preteen Zack has accused Sam of “always saying no,” and has cited this as one of the reasons for not wanting to be with his dad. Missy is a master of creating these no-win situations for Sam. She and her family, the Smiths, will make plans during Sam’s parenting time. They will tell Zack all about the Smith family parties, the parades, the festivals, etc. that Zack will miss, and they will compel Zack to ask his dad if he can go. If Sam says yes, he misses his time with Zack. If he says no, Zack is mad at his dad for saying no “all the time.”
As with Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is a parent-specific holiday, so if schedules allow, children should spend the day with the fathers in their life (Dads, Grandpas, Uncles, etc). If Dad’s parenting time already falls on Father’s Day, there won’t be much to coordinate in terms of custody; if custody time does not fall conveniently on this day, try to make it happen, if possible. Be specific when communicating about tentative plans, and do not muddle the discussion among other issues or requests. Father’s Day is more than just Dad’s holiday, as kids value having special time with Dad.
After weeks of contact denial, Zack agreed to be with Sam for Father’s Day. Missy continues to empower 12 year old Zack to do all the communicating and decision-making. Plans include seeing Grandpa Baker for lunch (Sam’s dad) and having dinner with Grandma Baker to celebrate the day for Sam. When Sam asked Zack about coming back to his dad’s house for a movie after dinner, Zack said he needed to return to his mom’s to celebrate with his stepfather. On the Missy-created summer custody schedule, Sam’s parenting time includes Friday, June 16 (Father’s Day weekend) through Thursday, June 22. Zack returning to her house is a violation of the schedule and a shameful shot at Sam. Zack has always spent Father’s Day with Sam, just as he has always spent Mother’s Day with Missy. Based on her pattern of behavior, Missy would never allow Zack to spend time with his stepmom or his paternal grandmother on HER day.
…[A] parent’s nonverbal communications can play a significant role in soothing a young child. Parents should be aware that hostile or tense physical communications and facial expressions used during transitions can heighten anxiousness in a young child.
Zack has always been anxious during transitions. Based on divorced-parents guidebooks and advice from other families, Sam prepared Zack for a switch calmly and matter-of-factly. Sam said yes when Zack asked if he could take a toy or other item to his mom’s, even though she historically did not allow it when she saw Zack carrying something toward her house. Sam and Missy had numerous conversations about Zack’s behavior during house-switches. Missy consistently reported that Zack would sob and say he didn’t want to go when he knew it was time to go to Sam’s. Sam told Missy that Zack was always fine as soon as they left her house. Often before they even turned off her street, Zack would be singing or laughing or asking if they were going to go to a park or going to see Grandma. Missy did not believe Sam and told him it was clear by Zack’s behavior that he did not want to go to his dad’s house. Sam explained to Missy his approach to Zack’s transitions, stressing that he tried to get Zack to understand that he has two equally important and loving homes. Missy told Sam, “I know you like to think that.”
Although there may be times that your child would rather not visit the other parent, if this visitation is ordered by the court, it is not optional. A shared parenting plan is a legal agreement and must be complied with.
If you are the custodial parent, you are responsible for seeing that your child visits the other parent. If you don’t, you may have to answer the court. Courts tend not to look favorably on parents who limit their child’s time with the other parent, even if it is something that the child themselves has requested.
12 year old Zack, with Missy’s approval, continues to choose not to be with Sam. Sam will continue to show up on the dates he is scheduled to be with Zack.
Symptom of PAS #3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences.
Zack was not allowed to bring his favorite blankets or other clothes and toys to Sam’s house. If Zack brought a toy from Sam’s house to Missy’s, she told Zack to leave it in the car. When Zack was very young, 3 or 4, he would change into new clothes from his dresser at his dad’s as soon as he got to the apartment.
Around this same time, Missy forbade Sam to wash Zack’s clothes. She wanted them sent back to her house in a bag with Zack when he switched houses. Zack was ordered by Missy just last month to return specific clothes to her house from Sam’s.
From Symptoms of Parental Alienation https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html
1. Giving children choices when they have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if he sees them, the children are angry.
Zack, now 12, is refusing to spend his time with Sam. Any communication is via text messages between Zack and Sam, and only if Zack chooses to respond. Missy has told Zack he is old enough to decide whether or not to go to Sam’s and that Zack is in control of whether he wants to talk to Sam. She won’t “intervene.”
Sam continues to attempt contact. Sam is Zack’s father, and he will be present.
january 13, 2017 by jons pedestals source HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT PARENTAL ALIENATION It was not long ago that I was clueless as to what was causing the sporadic, but sudden negative changes in behavior that I was witnessing taking place with my children’s attitude towards me. At first I even blamed myself, as […]
via What is Parental Alienation — ABP World Group – Parental Abduction Recovery
Sam tried to feed Zack healthy meals. Zack was a typical picky preschooler. Zack also had regular runny stools and frequent emergency trips to the bathroom, especially after a house-to-house transition. Missy blamed Sam and his healthy food (organic applesauce vs. sugar-added kind, etc.). She called Sam and yelled at him for months about this issue. When Sam told her that Zack had the same bathroom problems at his house, she didn’t believe him. When Sam tried to explain about organic food and the lack of logic in her accusations, she scoffed. Zack began to eat little or nothing when he was at his dad’s house. At one point, Zack, around 4 years old, asked Sam, “Why do you feed me bad food?” Sam was very concerned about Zack not eating so he began to serve Zack the exact same foods (chicken nuggets, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, etc.) that Missy served at her house. Zack ate very little, even though Sam offered his favorite meals, according to Missy’s information.
During this ongoing diet dispute, Zack spent the winter holidays with Sam, per divorce decree. When the holidays were over and Zack went to his mom’s, she called Sam ten minutes after Zack was dropped off and screamed at him because Zack had lost weight. She had apparently weighed him before he left so she could compare the numbers when Zack was back at her house. Missy was livid and would take no responsibility for Zack’s distorted food associations.