…[O]nce you become the target of a Vindictive Narcissist, she will try to destroy you. You may have challenged her superior status in some way you don’t even recognize, and as a result, she needs to prove you the ultimate loser by destroying you. She’ll talk trash about you to friends and family. (CHECK) She might try to get you fired. (CHECK) If she is your ex-wife, she might try to turn your children against you and spend years tying you up in family court. (CHECK).
From: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shame/201509/5-types-extreme-narcissists-and-how-deal-them (CHECKs are this author’s)
- Sam and Melanie, Zack’s dad and stepmom, met with a counselor at Zack’s new school to share information and concern about Zack and this summer’s contact denial as well as the long-term impacts of alienation. The counselor was guardedly supportive and said she would talk to Zack and invite him to join a group of students who meet because of family issues. When Melanie asked if Missy could object to Zack’s involvement and ultimately forbid it, the counselor said that Missy does have the final say (see “Mommy’s in charge,” in Story #2). The counselor went on to say that if his mother recognizes that Zack is negatively impacted by the custody drama, surely she would agree to Zack getting some support. Based on nearly all of Missy’s past predictable behavior, she will not only object, but she will quickly find a way to make Sam pay (wielding Zack) for talking with the counselor which she will see as a violation of her authority. Stay tuned.
- Today was the “pre-trial” in county court (the same backward county court system that gave Missy full custody ten years ago). Again, stay tuned.
- Now that the school year has begun, the regular weekly parenting schedule should resume. Sam called Zack and Zack actually answered and spoke to him. Zack not only sounded willing to ride the bus to his Dad’s on their established day, but Zack told Sam that he had been talking to a neighbor friend (a neighbor when Zack is at his Dad’s) about playing together. The call ended with Zack saying he “might come,” and he would let Sam know ASAP. Almost immediately after they hung up, Sam received a text from Zack saying he would not be riding the bus home to his Dad’s on Wednesday (today). A conclusion could be drawn that either Missy intervened or Zack is unwilling to be dismissive voice-to-voice, but can reject Sam comfortably via text.
Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child; it has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate or fear the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.
What began as Zack expressing that he’s not UNcomfortable as his Dad’s, but he’s just MORE comfortable at his Mom’s therefore he wanted to spend Memorial Day weekend with her… has turned into an entire summer of contact denial. Zack’s communication with his Dad has deteriorated. Sam has received fewer and more hostile texts from 12 year old Zack as the summer has progressed. Missy, in rare exchanges with Sam, repeats that she is respecting Zack’s feelings, and that he is old enough to choose to not see his father. As school begins, the regular parenting schedule should resume, but Sam has received no information from Missy or the school district regarding Zack’s transportation plan to and from Sam’s house on what should be their evenings and mornings together.
Meanwhile, no strides have been made in court. Missy received papers in early July regarding the contact denial (which elicited an angry text from Zack to Sam about Zack’s outrage that Sam has “put him in this position”). Missy’s attorney filed for, and won, a continuance. A meeting between attorneys and court officials is finally due to happen on the same week that school begins. Summer 2017 has been an unequivocal loss for Sam and Zack and the entire side of the family that Zack, with Missy’s blessing, has rejected.
Many experts use the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental conditions.
DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:
Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
Having a sense of entitlement
Taking advantage of others to get what you want
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.
Sam went to pick up Zack, and Missy answered the door to tell Sam that Zack was at his Smith grandparents’ house and didn’t want to be with Sam. Sam, again, stressed that Zack’s time with his father’s side of the family is just as important. Missy said, again, that she was simply respecting her 12 year old son’s choice. When Missy was asked about her family helping keep Zack away from Sam (see Story #7 “Beach Vacations” regarding narcissistic alienators’ mob tactics), she said her family was only, “supporting Zack.” Missy was then asked directly, “Do you think your family is better than our family?” Her response was, “Well LOOK at your family.” Which is a definitive, “yes.”
Any aggression that you show, either verbal or physical, will merely play into the hands of your ex. Your behavior will be taken out of context, blown out of proportion, and then used to justify the children’s rejection.
There are countless stories and articles about African American parents who have “the talk” with their children about what to do if they get pulled over by the police. One of the things usually mentioned is the driver keeping their hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 clock position. And sometimes it still doesn’t matter. Injustice prevails. Alienated dads like Sam grit their teeth and keep their hands at 10 and 2, and it makes no difference. These fathers follow all the rules — don’t get angry, show up even when they know they’ll be rejected, be patient and hope for an enlightened attorney/therapist/judge, etc. Injustice prevails again and again and again. Ex-wives continue to lie and win custody in court. Children become so entrenched in the alienator’s world that re-connecting seems impossible. It’s been 53 years since the US Civil Rights Act was signed, and discrimination remains rampant. Fathers, stepmoms, grandparents, and the CHILDREN suffer at the hands of empowered toxic Narcissists, and are nowhere close to organizing sit-ins, marches, and freedom riders. We scream our little blogs out to 2 or 3 readers and hope it’s a start for small victories and eventual justice. Will someone deliver an “I Have a Dream” speech for alienated families soon? Or ever? Who will listen?
Meanwhile Sam keeps his fists locked at 10 and 2.