Grandpa’s letter

2017 will be remembered as the year of the lost summer as Zackary’s mother did not allow the Baker family the opportunity for meaningful time with him. No trips together. There was only one meal I had with Zack during the early summer. [Father’s Day when Zack agreed to see Sam and Grandpa Baker but later texted Sam that he wouldn’t have seen them if he wasn’t forced to.] No conversations. No opportunities to listen, teach and to discuss life.

This obstruction could only seem deliberate as his mother had set up the summer visitation schedule but did not require Zack to follow the schedule for even one day. The schedule had been mutually agreed upon months before. Is she immune from having to keep her word? If so, then what is she teaching Zack about the importance of following through on your commitments?

Continuous indulgent acquiescence by a parent prevents a child from developing admirable character traits such as responsibility, commitment, compassion, and empathy. The result is extended adolescence that leads to dependency. By making a child dependent, the parent is falsely assuming she will be able to control the child’s life. With control, the parent will be able to use the child as a vehicle for manifesting her hate rather than accepting that she didn’t get her way and move on. The inability to forgive allows hate to motivate her actions.

Hatred is an acid that eats away at the core of a human being. Hatred spawns a pursuit for vengeance that narrows one’s perspective to the point where truth and reason are cast aside.

Zackary’s father has invested as much time and energy into raising a son with character traits that will serve Zack well in adulthood, as he does with teaching and inspiring his students. A good parent works hard to do what is right for their child. A parent who believes they are good because they are a friend to their child, or because they provide the child with things, or simply because they gave birth, thinks these behaviors make them an excellent parent. That is delusional thinking.

Zackary is my only grandchild, so it is only natural that I resent his mother and her family for turning Zack away from 50% of his heritage. I feel like the poor man with just one lamb which was taken and slaughtered by a rich man who had many sheep and cattle to prepare a meal. The rich man took the lamb because he could, and he had no compassion or empathy for anyone who might be permanently disadvantaged by this loss.

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Letter to the grandparents

This email was sent from Melanie to the Grandparents on September 26

Sam had his first (only?) meeting yesterday with the court appointed guardian ad litem. He is not confident that the meeting went well. Unfortunately the GAL had spoken with Missy already, so Sam spent most of their meeting defending himself against her accusations. Without making this email 10 miles long with the details, I’ll get to the gist.

Missy’s mindset has always been that She = Home, and Zack visits Sam. Therefore if Sam is elsewhere, Zack should be with Missy (not us). I have countless arguments here, but this is a big sticking point for Missy and for the GAL. Sam is being accused of “wasting two years” of his time with Zack because he took college classes. I could explode. Sam was HEARTBROKEN as well as ANGRY when a semester’s required classes were only offered on Wednesdays (which did not happen EVERY semester). If Missy was taking classes to extend her education and Zack was with Stepdad or the Smiths, would this be an issue at all?? Sam has always gone to great lengths to avoid any work commitments that fall on Zack days, but it does sometimes happen.  I’m struggling with keeping this brief…

Parts of this specific accusation: 1) Sam is inflexible 2) Sam is not devoted to Zack 3) Zack’s time with his stepmother or grandparents doesn’t “count”

Missy’s definition of “inflexible,” is basically — not her way. Sam is seen as inflexible if he says no to Zack going to an event with her or one of her friend’s kids during our time. She has always been brilliant at putting Sam in these situations. (See Story #6 “In the NO”) We have so little time with Zack that we want to maximize it and that sometimes means making plans to be with you because when else would you see him?! And so Zack (and Missy) don’t get what they want = Sam is inflexible. Sam explained that these last two years allowed him to see Zack off to the school bus in the mornings, which never would have happened if he had his traditional work schedule. The GAL was not impressed with this. Clearly she does not understand how much Sam cherishes the small moments that he has with Zack — little daily routines that seem meaningless if you can have them every day, but Sam has been robbed of most of these kinds of simple times with Zack because of the 2007 custody decision. (Remember, Missy said THIS SUMMER that she knows Zack is 90% Smith and 10% Baker. She said this when talking to Sam AND Zack. Don’t underestimate the power of her stating this as fact.)

If a “flexible” schedule is mandated by the court, that will translate into Sam begging for Zack while Mom & the Smiths always have a better offer. Unfortunately the schedule HAS to be black and white in our situation because we have ten years of proof that “flexible,” does not work. If we had more time with Zack, then there would be more time with extended family AND time with his friends originating out of OUR house — again not something to take lightly. Missy has ALL the connections with Zack’s friends’ families, so we seem like an obstacle rather than a vehicle for Zack’s friendships.

Sam and I agree that this is likely the final battle — if Missy “wins,” we will see very little of Zack from now on.

We’ve all lived with the situation of Missy’s dominance for over 10 years. It is impossible to condense our stories in one letter or email, but I’m asking you to consider sending the GAL a letter or email to share your thoughts. Say whatever you want, you don’t have to address the specific accusations above. Anything you say on Sam and Zack’s behalf is welcome. It may be our last chance to say anything to try to save Zack’s Baker family connection.