10 and 2

Story #12

From: http://warshak.com/blog/category/overcoming-parental-alienation/
Any aggression that you show, either verbal or physical, will merely play into the hands of your ex. Your behavior will be taken out of context, blown out of proportion, and then used to justify the children’s rejection.

There are countless stories and articles about African American parents who have “the talk” with their children about what to do if they get pulled over by the police. One of the things usually mentioned is the driver keeping their hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 clock position. And sometimes it still doesn’t matter. Injustice prevails. Alienated dads like Sam grit their teeth and keep their hands at 10 and 2, and it makes no difference. These fathers follow all the rules — don’t get angry, show up even when they know they’ll be rejected, be patient and hope for an enlightened attorney/therapist/judge, etc. Injustice prevails again and again and again. Ex-wives continue to lie and win custody in court. Children become so entrenched in the alienator’s world that re-connecting seems impossible. It’s been 53 years since the US Civil Rights Act was signed, and discrimination remains rampant. Fathers, stepmoms, grandparents, and the CHILDREN suffer at the hands of empowered toxic Narcissists, and are nowhere close to organizing sit-ins, marches, and freedom riders. We scream our little blogs out to 2 or 3 readers and hope it’s a start for small victories and eventual justice. Will someone deliver an “I Have a Dream” speech for alienated families soon? Or ever? Who will listen?

Meanwhile Sam keeps his fists locked at 10 and 2.

Breaking Point

From: https://lost-dad.com/2017/06/29/a-living-death/

In a sense, there is an almost permanent blunt pain. Every day I think of my children and what they might be doing, other days my mind drifts off thinking about what could have been.

I remember the dark days as I …  realised that my relationship with my children was being destroyed before my very eyes. Hardly anyone believed me. They could not understand [that] the society we live in would allow something like this to happen in plain sight, that parents are capable of such evil – ‘I must be exaggerating’ I saw written on their faces. Those that did believe me became my lifeline with the real world. They were and still are always there, ready to pick up the telephone and just talk.

 

First, thank you for reading. Whether you are a personal connection or a Twitter follower or if you found the blog following a tag, thank you. I am breaking character as the author of these stories to speak directly. I don’t care if it’s called parental alienation or battling with a narcissistic ex or AB-PA as a DSM-5 diagnosis or whatever terms are used today to describe an ex-spouse maliciously manipulating your child’s feelings against you.

Living like this is agony.

Please try to imagine that YOUR child runs away, is kidnapped or dies. Feel that nauseating pain and gaping emptiness. In the case of the first two, imagine that the police do nothing. You beg for law enforcement to search and they are passive. You obsess about your child’s location and well-being. You are in the dark and helpless. In the case of death, imagine that your child passes away and no one shows up to mourn with you. Or someone tells you to just move on. You are heartbroken and even more alone.

Imagine, in any lost child scenario, how it feels to walk past their empty bedroom every day. Imagine being surrounded by family photos showing you with your smiling child. Imagine the pang when you see a parent and child laughing together at the grocery store or riding bikes in the neighborhood. Imagine your mind completing the phrase, “It’s X’o’clock, do you know where your children are?” every time you see a clock. And your answer is always no. Imagine all the tiny things that remind you of a past shared routine or moment — buttering triangular toast, hearing a certain song, or seeing his favorite Gatorade in the back of the fridge, for example — and feel the loss hit again and again.

The father who wrote the blog entry which is quoted at the beginning of this post says that people think he’s sometimes exaggerating the alienating parent’s behavior and the resulting anguish. Yes, I’ve been told that, too. But if you truly imagined yourself and your lost child in any of the scenarios described above and in the stories on this blog, do you think your trauma can be understated?

Add to all of this the fact that someone is vindictively and successfully creating this torment. The lost child is living minutes away but is unreachable. The suicide rates of alienated parents are high and no wonder.

Please BELIEVE and support any devoted parent you know who is being eviscerated by a toxic ex-spouse who (empowered by an ignorant legal system) is striving for and/or succeeding in a rejection campaign against them.

Present – Mid July

From http://www.jmichaelbone.com/blog1/the-eight-symptoms-of-parental-alienation-independent-thinker-phenomenon

The Independent Thinker Phenomenon, is a symptom that can be easily missed, or perhaps given less significance than it deserves. The Independent Thinker Phenomenon refers to the consistent behavior seen in alienated children where they claim that their resistance to seeing the unfavored or targeted parent derives from their own independent thought and is not the result of the other parent’s influence.

Contact denial (which began in May) continues. Missy has finally been served with papers from Sam’s attorney which address the contact denial (as contempt of court), request a change in custody to 50/50 and mandatory counseling for Zack. Sam did not hear from Missy regarding her receiving the papers but instead received angry texts from 12 year old Zack expressing his outrage about court involvement and accusations that Sam is not listening to him. Zack repeatedly stresses that his mother is not at fault and is not telling him what to say – she is only respecting Zack’s feelings.

Present – First Day of Summer

After almost a month of contact denial at “his choice,” approved by his mom, Zack agreed to go golfing on June 21 with his dad, Sam, only if Sam agreed to take Zack to his mom’s house immediately after. Sam informed both 12 year old Zack and Missy that he intended to follow the parenting schedule which has Zack with Sam for the entire week of June 19-23. Sam said if Zack wanted to leave his dad’s house against the schedule, Missy would have to pick him up. Zack countered he would not golf with his dad if Sam would not agree to take him to Missy’s. Missy said she WOULD come get Zack, but she thought Sam would “use it against her.”

Present – Father’s Day 2017

From https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/co-parenting-on-fathers-day

As with Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is a parent-specific holiday, so if schedules allow, children should spend the day with the fathers in their life (Dads, Grandpas, Uncles, etc). If Dad’s parenting time already falls on Father’s Day, there won’t be much to coordinate in terms of custody; if custody time does not fall conveniently on this day, try to make it happen, if possible. Be specific when communicating about tentative plans, and do not muddle the discussion among other issues or requests. Father’s Day is more than just Dad’s holiday, as kids value having special time with Dad.

After weeks of contact denial, Zack agreed to be with Sam for Father’s Day. Missy continues to empower 12 year old Zack to do all the communicating and decision-making. Plans include seeing Grandpa Baker for lunch (Sam’s dad) and having dinner with Grandma Baker to celebrate the day for Sam. When Sam asked Zack about coming back to his dad’s house for a movie after dinner, Zack said he needed to return to his mom’s to celebrate with his stepfather. On the Missy-created summer custody schedule, Sam’s parenting time includes Friday, June 16 (Father’s Day weekend) through Thursday, June 22. Zack returning to her house is a violation of the schedule and a shameful shot at Sam.  Zack has always spent Father’s Day with Sam, just as he has always spent Mother’s Day with Missy. Based on her pattern of behavior, Missy would never allow Zack to spend time with his stepmom or his paternal grandmother on HER day.

Hostile exchange

Story #5

From http://www.la-familylaw.com/toddlers_and_custody_transitions.html

…[A] parent’s nonverbal communications can play a significant role in soothing a young child.  Parents should be aware that hostile or tense physical communications and facial expressions used during transitions can heighten anxiousness in a young child.

Zack has always been anxious during transitions. Based on divorced-parents guidebooks and advice from other families, Sam prepared Zack for a switch calmly and matter-of-factly. Sam said yes when Zack asked if he could take a toy or other item to his mom’s, even though she historically did not allow it when she saw Zack carrying something toward her house. Sam and Missy had numerous conversations about Zack’s behavior during house-switches. Missy consistently reported that Zack would sob and say he didn’t want to go when he knew it was time to go to Sam’s. Sam told Missy that Zack was always fine as soon as they left her house. Often before they even turned off her street, Zack would be singing or laughing or asking if they were going to go to a park or going to see Grandma. Missy did not believe Sam and told him it was clear by Zack’s behavior that he did not want to go to his dad’s house. Sam explained to Missy his approach to Zack’s transitions, stressing that he tried to get Zack to understand that he has two equally important and loving homes. Missy told Sam, “I know you like to think that.”

Present – Summer 2017

from http://ohioexecutivedivorce.com/blog/child-refuses-to-visit-the-other-parent/

Although there may be times that your child would rather not visit the other parent, if this visitation is ordered by the court, it is not optional. A shared parenting plan is a legal agreement and must be complied with.

If you are the custodial parent, you are responsible for seeing that your child visits the other parent. If you don’t, you may have to answer the court. Courts tend not to look favorably on parents who limit their child’s time with the other parent, even if it is something that the child themselves has requested.

12 year old Zack, with Missy’s approval, continues to choose not to be with Sam.  Sam will continue to show up on the dates he is scheduled to be with Zack.

Half dressed

Story #4

Symptom of PAS #3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences.

Zack was not allowed to bring his favorite blankets or other clothes and toys to Sam’s house. If Zack brought a toy from Sam’s house to Missy’s, she told Zack to leave it in the car. When Zack was very young, 3 or 4, he would change into new clothes from his dresser at his dad’s as soon as he got to the apartment.
Around this same time, Missy forbade Sam to wash Zack’s clothes. She wanted them sent back to her house in a bag with Zack when he switched houses. Zack was ordered by Missy just last month to return specific clothes to her house from Sam’s.