Letter to the grandparents

This email was sent from Melanie to the Grandparents on September 26

Sam had his first (only?) meeting yesterday with the court appointed guardian ad litem. He is not confident that the meeting went well. Unfortunately the GAL had spoken with Missy already, so Sam spent most of their meeting defending himself against her accusations. Without making this email 10 miles long with the details, I’ll get to the gist.

Missy’s mindset has always been that She = Home, and Zack visits Sam. Therefore if Sam is elsewhere, Zack should be with Missy (not us). I have countless arguments here, but this is a big sticking point for Missy and for the GAL. Sam is being accused of “wasting two years” of his time with Zack because he took college classes. I could explode. Sam was HEARTBROKEN as well as ANGRY when a semester’s required classes were only offered on Wednesdays (which did not happen EVERY semester). If Missy was taking classes to extend her education and Zack was with Stepdad or the Smiths, would this be an issue at all?? Sam has always gone to great lengths to avoid any work commitments that fall on Zack days, but it does sometimes happen.  I’m struggling with keeping this brief…

Parts of this specific accusation: 1) Sam is inflexible 2) Sam is not devoted to Zack 3) Zack’s time with his stepmother or grandparents doesn’t “count”

Missy’s definition of “inflexible,” is basically — not her way. Sam is seen as inflexible if he says no to Zack going to an event with her or one of her friend’s kids during our time. She has always been brilliant at putting Sam in these situations. (See Story #6 “In the NO”) We have so little time with Zack that we want to maximize it and that sometimes means making plans to be with you because when else would you see him?! And so Zack (and Missy) don’t get what they want = Sam is inflexible. Sam explained that these last two years allowed him to see Zack off to the school bus in the mornings, which never would have happened if he had his traditional work schedule. The GAL was not impressed with this. Clearly she does not understand how much Sam cherishes the small moments that he has with Zack — little daily routines that seem meaningless if you can have them every day, but Sam has been robbed of most of these kinds of simple times with Zack because of the 2007 custody decision. (Remember, Missy said THIS SUMMER that she knows Zack is 90% Smith and 10% Baker. She said this when talking to Sam AND Zack. Don’t underestimate the power of her stating this as fact.)

If a “flexible” schedule is mandated by the court, that will translate into Sam begging for Zack while Mom & the Smiths always have a better offer. Unfortunately the schedule HAS to be black and white in our situation because we have ten years of proof that “flexible,” does not work. If we had more time with Zack, then there would be more time with extended family AND time with his friends originating out of OUR house — again not something to take lightly. Missy has ALL the connections with Zack’s friends’ families, so we seem like an obstacle rather than a vehicle for Zack’s friendships.

Sam and I agree that this is likely the final battle — if Missy “wins,” we will see very little of Zack from now on.

We’ve all lived with the situation of Missy’s dominance for over 10 years. It is impossible to condense our stories in one letter or email, but I’m asking you to consider sending the GAL a letter or email to share your thoughts. Say whatever you want, you don’t have to address the specific accusations above. Anything you say on Sam and Zack’s behalf is welcome. It may be our last chance to say anything to try to save Zack’s Baker family connection.

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Evolution of contact denial 2006-2017

Missy said:
You can’t pick him up because…
He doesn’t want to come to your house today because…

“You can’t get the the car seat he needs into your car.” (Sam had already visited the police station to have them check Zack’s car seat safety before Missy said this.)

“He has a fever and wants to be with his mommy.”

“He wants a special day with his Grandpa.”

“Melanie doesn’t even like small children.” (Stepmom Melanie worked at a junior high when Zack was a preschooler.)

“A new bus schedule will confuse him too much.” (This when Zack began 4th grade and Sam & Melanie moved to Zack’s school district over the summer — Missy had moved Zack further away from Sam’s house when Zack began kindergarten.)

“He doesn’t like the food at your house.” (See Story #3 “Food Fight”)

“He’s bored at your house.”

“If he’s not with YOU, he should be with me — not Melanie or your mom.” (This when Sam took grad school classes that were sometimes scheduled on Sam’s parenting days. Sam was upset when these conflicts occurred because he hated missing the time with Zack AND because he predicted Missy would object to Zack being with Melanie and/or the Baker grandparents. He was right.)

“He’ll miss being with his cousins.”

“He wants to be with his friends whose parents are MY friends, so YOU can’t take him to their house.”

“You make him read too much.”

“He just doesn’t want to be with you. I’ve told him someday he’ll be old enough to choose. And you’ll see, he’ll never want to be with you.” (Zack was about 6 or 7 years old when Missy said this to Sam for the first time.)

And this summer, Zack said,

“I’m not UNcomfortable at your house, I’m just MORE comfortable at my mom’s.”

“I can’t believe you’ve put me in this position.”
So Zack is without his father. And Sam is without his son.

And Missy claims innocence.

10 and 2

Story #12

From: http://warshak.com/blog/category/overcoming-parental-alienation/
Any aggression that you show, either verbal or physical, will merely play into the hands of your ex. Your behavior will be taken out of context, blown out of proportion, and then used to justify the children’s rejection.

There are countless stories and articles about African American parents who have “the talk” with their children about what to do if they get pulled over by the police. One of the things usually mentioned is the driver keeping their hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 clock position. And sometimes it still doesn’t matter. Injustice prevails. Alienated dads like Sam grit their teeth and keep their hands at 10 and 2, and it makes no difference. These fathers follow all the rules — don’t get angry, show up even when they know they’ll be rejected, be patient and hope for an enlightened attorney/therapist/judge, etc. Injustice prevails again and again and again. Ex-wives continue to lie and win custody in court. Children become so entrenched in the alienator’s world that re-connecting seems impossible. It’s been 53 years since the US Civil Rights Act was signed, and discrimination remains rampant. Fathers, stepmoms, grandparents, and the CHILDREN suffer at the hands of empowered toxic Narcissists, and are nowhere close to organizing sit-ins, marches, and freedom riders. We scream our little blogs out to 2 or 3 readers and hope it’s a start for small victories and eventual justice. Will someone deliver an “I Have a Dream” speech for alienated families soon? Or ever? Who will listen?

Meanwhile Sam keeps his fists locked at 10 and 2.

Another Wicked Stepmother story

Story #11

When Zack was 7, his transition anxiety was especially apparent. Missy blamed Sam, as always, even though Sam assured her Zack calmed down as soon as they left her driveway. Missy would sometimes call Sam’s cell phone when she knew he was on his way to pick up Zack. She would put Zack on the phone to tell Sam that didn’t want to go to his Dad’s house. When Sam asked Zack why, Zack usually could not come up with an answer. On one occasion though, 7 year old Zack cited his reason for rejecting his time at his Dad’s house as not wanting Melanie, Sam’s girlfriend, to hug him anymore. Sam asked why and Zack replied, “She’s not my real family.” Sam and Melanie married soon after, but the damage was done. Melanie was careful not to cross any lines that Zack might interpret (and report to Missy) as too affectionate. And Zack was empowered to dismiss Melanie as a parent.